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Thursday, December 18, 2008

Nemesis

If I were a superhero, my most dreaded enemy would not be cat-who-craps-in-ur-room woman. It would also neither be moronic-youtube boy nor the plethora of daft punks that populate society trying to unleash irritatingly irritating internet memes on us everyday.

No - for these mere distractions are easy to deal with, the solutions being - lock your room, leave hurting comments so he leaves youtube forever amd cut their hands off with a blunt linoleum knife respectively.

Instead, my arch nemisis would be my formidable inability to get up after every nap. I have a zillion things to do and atleast 5 of them are interesting things. Yet I just lie there, staring at shadows on the wall.

I mean seriously. Why is it so god-damned difficult? I mean evolution. Evolution-damned difficult? Screw you "god".

Yes, back on topic - this is a sincere plea to all my readers (all 9 of you) - please, please tell me how I can get up while just loafing around completely awake but totally enthuless to actually get up - for it is robbing me of my life!

13 comments:

crazed_mellow said...

Well we can get joydeep to make you this thingy that gives u a massive but nonlethal electric shock every say.. 5 minutes.

I am sure that will not fail.

Ess Dee said...

while the idea of receiving electric shocks every 5 minutes is something I greatly look forward to, I'm afraid this would not work here for my the wiring on the old campus does not permit heavy loads.

So, for the same reason as I cannot install an AC in my room, I cannot install a massive nonlethal electric scock device either.

Sorry. It was a good idea. What else have you on your mind?

crazed_mellow said...

Well seddy seeing as you are wise in the ways of electricity.. I thinks the heavy elecrical jolt can be attained by charging a capacitor at relatively tamer rates for the 5 mins of downtime.. In fact i think its quite a simple circuit that YOU CAN EVEN MAKE YOURSELF!!!!!!!

Ess Dee said...

Ah, but you see my humanitarian nature will foil me again. Let me explain -

The technique as you have mentioned is exactly that used to shock the heart and bring heart attack victims back to life in hospitals.

Unfortunately, Indian hospitals, specially those in remote villages like Ahmedabad, do not have access to such high fangled gadgetry and thus millions of heart attack victims die every year for want of a heart shocking device.

Now, were I to invent/make such a device (which charges over 5 minutes and delivers electric shocks), or by any means come in possession of it, I would selflessly donate it to aforementioned hospitals, thus saving lives.

Therefore, as you see, my hands are tied and the difficulties for this method of waking-up seem unsurmountable. Please suggest some other equally exciting course of action.

crazed_mellow said...

hmm well we can get joydeep to make you this thing that will kick u in the nads every 5 mins...basically we will paint the nad area of all your pants red and every 5 mins the kicker will see red (if you will) and proceed to kick the offending area.

Again failproof

Ess Dee said...

Oh dear. I'm extremely sorry that I must reject this solution on the ground of me being a believer in extreme non-violence.

(See http://obscuredbywords.blogspot.com/2005/11/birthday-ritual.html for proof)

Anonymous said...

Hello I am a reader. I claim spot #4.

Arjun

crazed_mellow said...

Is there no pleasing you woman!!

Its sad that u prefer nonviolence.. considering that you are such a bitch these days, i am sure a large number of human volunteers would cheerfully discharge the duty of a nad kicker.

The good thing with that will be that we will not have to paint your pants red and you will get to meet practically everyone you know.

What more could you ask for.

Ess Dee said...

Hello, Anonymous Reader #4 called Arjun.

@KP - it seems you wish me harm. what have I done to deserve this? *sniff sniff*. I'm just a poor lonely little student who wishes to get up on time and all you can think about are ways to shock me and ways to kick me in the nads. You, sir, are a hatecrime. :P

Pranav said...

whiny

crazed_mellow said...

AWWWWW widdle wessdy.
I wish you no harm. in fact i only wish you harem, he he. with many a juicy strumpet in it.

The juicy strumpets will give u a BJ every 5 mins.. after a point you will be so tired of them that you will get up as soon as you see them. giving a most pleasing and satisfying solution to the whole problem..

When do you want to go harem shopping???/

Kris said...

the harem idea might work rather nicely...but if you're serious about the electric stuff, take a scooter's ignition coil. it gives you a 1200V shock (approx) with a 1.5V pencil cell. the cell will last for around 50 shocks (as you can see, i had a rather traumatic childhood, but it didn't affect my adult life - so you should be fone once you're out of college).

ps: the coil was from my dad's bajaj super...i still have it :)

Sneha said...

Drink lots of water before your nap. You'll be forced to wake up to pee.