Thursday, July 29, 2010

The Lost 'D': Unexpected Results

My regular readers (reader?) will know that I have recently turned a campaigner for Lost 'D's. (Read here first to understand the story thus far)

In my cafeteria, there is one such sign. It reads "Close". Just the other day, I informed the office boy (who deals with such matters) that indeed "Close" is completely incorrect and can lead to infections diseases. I explained at length what my Grade 4 grammar teacher had taught me.

And lo! By lunchtime, the sign had been corrected! It now said "Closed"! Joyously I whistled to myself and did not get bummed that (as always) in my hunger, I had turned up at the cafeteria an hour too early.

But that's not all: With great understanding comes great responsibility! This enthusiastic guy, he actually corrected such signs all over the office! Everywhere I looked, "Closed" signs looked back at me, and I was satisfied that I had helped the world become a better place.

I walked towards the stairwell and passed a door. I paused to read the sign:

"Please closed the door after entering."

Kindergarten grammar lessons flashed in my head. I just walked away from the abomination, took long calming breaths and tried to get a grip on my understanding of the world.

The Lost 'D'

I like wandering the streets in the night. The cool darkness and empty streets induces a certain kind of joy. It's a pleasant break from all the seething crowds and unholy car horns. Unfortunately, there is a phenomenon I increasingly observe that turns my mild joy into a seething rage.

What I refer to is the common practice of shops placing placards on their doors, one side of which reads "Open" and the other reads "Close". Close? CLOSE? I look around, hunting for the lost 'D'. Perhaps it fell down. Perhaps it is just a bit darker than the other letters. But no, sign after sign stubbornly continues to read "Close".

I ask myself if a hundred shopkeepers could be wrong. Am I the mistaken one in all this? In my shaken faith, I turn to what my Grade 4 grammar teacher taught me:

"Is the shop open? No it is not."
"Is the shop closed? Yes it is." "

"Is the shop close? Dear Parent, your son is incapable of learning English. Please go burn in Hell."

And this small thorn in my side will continue to prick away at my conscience for hours and hours. "Do something", says Inner EssDee, "Roam around with black markers and 'D' stickers!"

I know, in this increasingly "vher ru" and "omg mai english sux lol im so proud" world of texts and SMS, it's become rather difficult to become a campaigner for lost 'D's. Yet, Inner EssDee refuses this as a rationale for doing nothing.

So, I am left with no resort, but to turn to what a wise 6-year old once prayed for on August 28, 1992: I pray for the strength to change what I can, the inability to accept what I can't and the incapacity to tell the difference.

Thus, I hereby resolve to roam the streets from here on with a general air of haughtiness as I inform offenders of their grievous transgressions.

Inner Me says that I will lead an interesting life.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Haber Process

On a little incident that happened, oh I dunno about 14 billion years ago (6000 years according to some).

God was happy, strolling about the edge of the Universe, which was all dark and empty since nothing had been created yet.

So here He was, whistling, being nonchalant and generally having a good time when he had a solid brainwave: He would create Man. Oh, what a jolly idea!

So he lists all the dependencies required for the creation of Man and then gets started. He picks his most ominous, most deep and mesmerising voice and utters in loud tones, "LET THERE BE LIGHT!"

And there was... still nothing. "Damn!”, he muttered. "How does one go about this?", he wondered.

And to the rescue came the brooding Lucifer. He sighed and blinked his left eye and created billions and trillions of atoms of Hydrogen.

"Are you effing crazy?", exclaimed God, "You're filling my Universe with absolute junk man!"

And Lucifer replied, which brings us to the punch line of this particular blog post:

Hydrogen is a light, colourless, odourless gas, which given enough time turns into people.

Lucifer is genius.